What to do about jealousy

Surely almost everyone has been jealous at some point. For some, occasional jealousy is part of a partnership, sometimes the feeling is even taken as a token of love. With control calls and scenes of jealousy, however, you quickly jeopardize your relationship. We show what you can do to get your jealousy under control.

what is jealousy

Jealousy is a mixture of several feelings. At the fore is a nagging  fear of losing the affection or attention of an important caregiver to someone else.

It usually doesn’t matter whether there is a realistic reason for the jealousy or not. In addition to the fear of loss, jealousy is often accompanied by anger, sadness, distrust, feelings of inferiority and sometimes aggression.

Acute triggers for jealousy

Jealousy is not uncommon in relationships, regardless of gender. However, while surveys show that men are more likely to react jealously when their partner suspects they are being sexually unfaithful, jealousy in women is usually triggered by their partner’s great intimacy with a third person. For both sexes, however, emotional infidelity and alienation play a major role.

But there is also jealousy in friendships and families. For example, even small children are jealous when their parents pay more attention to their siblings.

Basic causes of jealousy

Jealousy can have different causes. It usually grows out of self-doubt and low self-esteem. Sometimes negative experiences in the past, such as an infidelity or experiences in childhood, trigger the fear of loss.

In principle, jealousy can also be justified, for example if the partner is strongly looking for confirmation from other people outside the relationship. All people involved should therefore first reflect on their own behavior.

how much is normal

Jealousy can come in different intensities. A little jealousy is normal and nothing to worry about. Usually the nagging feeling subsides when the problematic situation is resolved. However, if jealousy persists, it can become a problem.

Recognize signs of pathological jealousy

If a person is possessive and tries to isolate the other, it can be a sign of pathological jealousy. Pathologically jealous partners try to find evidence of possible infidelity by making check-up calls and going through personal belongings.

Such behavior puts a heavy strain on a relationship and often leads to arguments. Jealousy is a constant theme in the relationship and also exists without a specific trigger.

Consequences of morbid jealousy

If jealous people are dominated by the fear of losing their partner, they often neglect their work and social contacts. In addition, they often suffer from sleep and  concentration disorders .

Headaches  ,  back pain  or  stomach pains as well as psychosomatic  complaints are not uncommon in very jealous people.

Delusions of jealousy as an extreme form

The most extreme form of jealousy is delusional jealousy, also known as Othello syndrome. In this delusional disorder, the affected person is unshakably convinced of their partner’s infidelity and meticulously searches for evidence of this. Logical arguments are completely useless against the subjective certainty of the patient.

This form of jealousy is quite rare and usually occurs in connection with  alcoholism , neurological diseases or clinical pictures such as  schizophrenia  or  dementia  . Drugs are often   used as part of the therapy.

Any physical causes should therefore also be considered as triggers and, if necessary, examined by a doctor.

When should you fight jealousy?

Everyone evaluates jealousy differently. For some it is a token of love, for others a relationship killer. Basically, when you realize that your own jealousy is putting a strain on the relationship or that others are suffering as a result, it is necessary to get the jealousy under control.

It is important not to look for the cause in the behavior of your partner, but in yourself. If you cannot control your jealousy on your own, you should seek therapeutic help. This is particularly advisable when the fear of loss is deeply rooted.

overcome jealousy

Controlling your jealousy takes a lot of practice and is difficult, especially when jealousy is strong. The first thing to do is to find out where the feeling comes from. Long-term dissatisfaction in the relationship is often at the root of it.

If jealousy is within normal limits, it can help to address the issue openly with your partner, to formulate your needs and to agree specifically on where the tolerance limits lie. Through joint activities, affected couples can also strengthen their sense of togetherness.

Defeating jealousy through self-esteem

Self-respect and a positive self-esteem are important means against jealousy, so that other people in the partner’s environment are not perceived as a threat. The following tips can help:

• Watch out for signs of affection from your counterpart.
• Become aware of your strengths.
• Treat yourself as understandingly and kindly as you would a friend.
• Realize that you don’t have to be ashamed of your mistakes and weaknesses.
• Set yourself a goal of how you want to be, instead of comparing yourself to foreign ideals.
• Become more independent: find your own hobbies and go out on your own.

Manage bouts of jealousy

If a fit of jealousy is imminent, reclaim control early and don’t let the feeling get the better of you, as spontaneous outbursts tend to make the situation worse. Become aware of your jealousy and fight against it:

• Breathe in and out slowly and try to relax.
• Say “stop” to yourself out loud inside.
• Realize that your partner loves you and reflect on your strengths.
• Distract yourself, for example with sports or a conversation with someone you trust.

Once you have calmed down, you should discuss your feelings openly with your partner. It is also important to reflect on yourself and get to the bottom of the causes of your feelings.

When your partner is jealous

Most partners of jealous people suffer from constant scrutiny, lack of trust, and suspicion.

If the jealousy goes too far, you should show your partner that you can understand the fears. But also make it clear to him/her that the extreme fear of loss must be overcome and, if necessary, advise professional help to combat the jealousy.

Differences between jealousy and envy

Envy and jealousy are often confused, but denote different feelings: unlike jealous people, envious people are not afraid of losing a loved one, but want something that others have.