Puberty: between freedom and consequence

Adolescence is a time that most parents experience with dread and adolescents with uncertainty. In this phase, both sides must learn to face conflicts and keep the balance between boundaries and freedom. Parents have to learn to let go and continue to support their children at the same time.

Conflicts are necessary

But unlike most people, Puberty is more than just a single crisis. As a phase of development and detachment, with growing awareness of criticism of the environment and adults, frequent – ​​and above all necessary – conflicts arise. The parent-child relationship is being redefined, with an uncertain outcome, but by no means hopeless. Only: There are no panaceas because as unique as people are as children, so is their development into adults.

 

shelter in the cave

Annika is 13 years old. If you occasionally meet her on the street, she looks grim. Her face is full of pimples; she has dyed her hair jet black, and, according to her mother, she only squats in her gloomy room – a very typical behaviour of pubescents.

One of the best-known German education experts, Jan-Uwe Rogge, likes to use the lobster as an example to explain Puberty: it is the only animal that goes through Puberty. With him, the flesh grows first and only then the shell. To survive, the lobster retreats to deep, dark caves at the bottom of the sea. Flesh and armour grow here below. And this example has a lot to do with Annika and other adolescents.

“A pubescent between 10 and 13 becomes thin-skinned and vulnerable, loses the shell, and, to survive, their lobster disappears into its cave. This cave is called a children’s room. A child’s room is like a cave. It is carefully sealed against oxygen from the outside. The so-called scattering order prevails in the cave.” Puberty comes from the Latin “pubertas” and means “manhood”. This refers to the human being’s physical, mental, and spiritual development between childhood and adulthood.

In our latitudes, this is between the ages of 10 and 18 for girls and between the ages of 12 and 20 for boys. This phase of life begins when the pituitary gland signals the body to produce certain hormones. Sexual maturity occurs during Puberty.

Arguing: Communication is difficult but important

Daniel, almost 14, hates it when his parents spend hours arguing about a topic. “The babble is annoying, but if it weren’t, and you didn’t care about me, and I was allowed to do everything, that wouldn’t be ok either.” This is how he describes his relationship with his parents, Hans and Ellen (46). They experience for the first time how their son grows up. They vacillate between anger and understanding, generosity and sternness, but they argue – or argue – with Daniel, occasionally showing a willingness to compromise. And they try again daily, with varying degrees of success, because Daniel rarely sees the rules.

“Don’t just try to please your pubescent. That’s impossible,” says Jan-Uwe Rogge. To become independent and self-sufficient, young people must break away from their parents, the most essential caregivers. This leads, for example, to demonstrate indifference to the belittling of parents as useless or incapable. According to psychologists, rebellion against previous norms occurs and is considered healthy and normal.

According to studies, girls have a fifteen-minute argument with their mother every 1.5 days and boys have six minutes every four days. Arguing, as stressed parents in particular should be aware of, is necessary for relief. Psychologists even believe that low-conflict developments are more likely to cause concern than high-conflict ones. The task of the parents is to maintain the willingness to talk and thus offer support. Experts recommend short and precise conversations without “word cascades” (Rogge), in which clear intentions should be formulated.

 

Setting a tightrope between limits and paternalism

Being able to argue with adults is also one of the many opportunities to explore boundaries necessary for development. Educationalists agree that boundaries, along with rules and agreements, are an absolute must at this stage – helping around the house, setting times for coming home or tidying up. Excessive tolerance and lax rules also offer no basis for friction or arguments, so the pubescent looks for other provocations. School failure, alcohol, drugs or smoking are then on the list of horror scenarios for many parents.

It may sound old-fashioned, but rules and, therefore, limits, as long as they have been agreed realistically and in a way that is clear for all parties, offer orientation and support. The opposite of rules, however, are paternalism, punishments and prohibitions, to which young people react with defiance and even aggression – and parents achieve nothing.

The “magic bag” – dealing with rule violations

Easier said than done, parents say – and rightly so. Rule violations are the order of the day for adolescents. Ignoring them is risky because then parents lose credibility, borders lose their validity, and border crossings increase. In any case, the consequences of breaking the rules must be known to the adolescents, as in the “magic sack” example.

In his book “Puberty – Letting Go and Holding” Jan-Uwe Rogge describes how a mother deals with the shoe chaos of her pubescent sons: if the shoes are not put away after being asked twice, they disappear into a “magic sack”, a simple sack, well hidden, for a week. This continues until the sons no longer have shoes and must go to school in stockings. Mind you, the mother was consistent enough to persevere through this and, in the end, reaped insight on this one point.